Fun Times At Hollywood Universe
by Red Witch
Summary: Pam celebrates her birthday with the gang at a themed restaurant.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out at a restaurant. This is just an excuse for these characters to party and cause mayhem. **

**Fun Times At Hollywood Universe **

"It's my birthday! It's my birthday!" Pam whooped as she rode in the back of the limo with her friends. "Whose birthday? **It's my birthday**!" Pam was all done up with her hair perfectly coiffed and wearing an elegant blue dress.

"This was really nice of you Cheryl to give Pam a limo ride to wherever we're going out to eat," Lana said as she sipped champagne. She was dressed in a beautiful green dress.

"Oh, the limo ride isn't the gift," Cheryl waved as she drank some champagne as well. She was wearing a beautiful red dress. "I'm paying for the meal and I set it up."

"That's very thoughtful of you Cheryl," Ray said as he also drank. He was wearing a nice dark suit along with Cyril and Krieger.

"I know!" Cheryl grinned. "One of the best parts about this is that Ms. Archer isn't invited! She is going to flip when I show her the pictures of Pam's party!"

"**There** it is," Cyril sighed as he took a drink.

"Oh, like you wouldn't want to see **that**?" Ray challenged.

Cyril admitted. "Yes. Yes, I would."

"Me too," Krieger nodded. "Shame Ron couldn't make it."

"I think he's had more than **enough **of us," Lana said honestly. "And I can't blame him."

"Neither can I," Cyril admitted.

"We're here!" Cheryl called out as they arrived.

**"This** is where we're having Pam's birthday party?" Cyril did a double take.

"Oh my God!" Pam gasped. "BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!"

They had pulled up to a huge restaurant with several large planets as part of the billboard. Each planet had a Hollywood star of the past on it. "I didn't expect this…" Lana said as they got out of the limo and walked a red carpet into the restaurant.

"Party time!" Pam whooped. "This is awesome! I'm having my birthday at Hollywood Universe!"

"Isn't it a dying restaurant chain?" Cyril asked as they were shown into an exclusive booth in the VIP lounge.

"Don't tell her," Ray said. "It's somewhere Pam really wanted to go."

"And more importantly," Cheryl said. "Somewhere she can brag to her hateful bitch sister."

**"There** it is," Cyril nodded.

"Edie is going to be so jealous! HA HA HA!" Cheryl laughed with hateful glee.

"Okay why do **you** hate Edie?" Lana asked Cheryl. "You've never met her."

"Well not in person…" Cheryl admitted. "But…"

FLASHBACK!

Back a couple years ago when the agency was a spy agency…A second time…

"For the last time Edie," Pam snapped into the phone at her desk. "I'm not paying a dime for your failed wedding! It's not my fault your so-called fiancé is a man whore! And your so-called best friend is a whore period!"

"It is your fault! And I can sue you for it!" Edie was heard speaking.

"Good luck with that!" Pam said. "You've tried that at least five times since we were kids. It didn't work then; it won't work now!"

"Yeah but this time I got a lawyer!" Edie snapped. "You ruined my wedding!"

"Oh please! Are you still bitching about that?" Cheryl added. She was listening in on her phone from her desk across from Pam. "From what I've heard he wasn't really into you anyway."

"Nobody's into Edie," Pam said.

"That's what we say about **you!**" Edie shouted back.

"He, he…" Cheryl giggled. Pam gave her a dirty look.

"What are **you** laughing about, you dumb ditz?" Edie's voice growled. "I should report you to your supervisor for listening in on people's conversations!"

"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl shouted.

"I said I was going to **report** you to your supervisor!" Edie snapped. "How **dumb** are you? She's blond right?"

"Red head actually," Pam said. "And don't bother reporting her. We're all **aware** of what she does."

"Yeah!" Cheryl snapped.

"Shut up you worthless ##$%%$^^^!" Edie spat out a profanity that would make Ms. Archer blush.

Cheryl gasped. "Nobody calls a Tunt that!"

"I don't really care," Edie snapped. "I'm going to call you sued Pam! After I told my lawyer everything that happened with you and that Rent-A-Gent Romeo and that crazy cyborg and the blowing up the silo!"

"Just curious," Pam realized. "Did you mention the whole cyborg thing to your lawyer?"

"Of course, I did!" Edie snapped. "Why?"

Pam smirked. "When was the last time you talked to this lawyer?"

"A month ago!" Edie snapped. "And he said not to call him, he'd call me back! Wait a minute…"

"Yeah, I'll wait with baited breath for **that **summons," Pam rolled her eyes.

Cheryl laughed. "Even I know you can't talk about cyborgs you dummy!"

"Who are you calling a dummy white trash?" Edie snarled. "She is white right?"

"Yes," Pam told her.

"**What **did you call me bitch?" Cheryl snarled.

"White trash!" Edie snarled. "Which is appropriate for that's all Spamela hangs around with!"

"Okay it's going to sound like I'm hanging up," Pam then did so.

"She called me, **white trash**?" Cheryl was living. "_Me?_ A Tunt? **White Trash?"**

"And she doesn't even know you," Pam pointed out.

"Exactly!" Cheryl snarled. "As well as that…**other word** which Tunts aren't allowed to say because it's so horrible! And untrue!"

"You see why I hate her right?" Pam asked.

"I do!" Cheryl snapped. "I get it. Edie is your Tiffy."

"I think Edie is worse than Tiffy," Pam remarked. "I'm guessing Tiffy never stabbed you in the neck with scissors."

"No," Cheryl blinked. "Damn it. Now I don't know who I hate more!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"I do **not** like Edie at all," Cheryl growled.

"She is **not **good with people," Pam nodded. "Which explains why she works at the DMV."

"The fact that Pam has hateful relatives like me is one of the reasons she's my best friend," Cheryl admitted. "It's something we can talk about."

"You mean complain about?" Ray asked.

"Potato, po-talk-o," Cheryl waved. "Oh my God! What's that on the wall?"

They looked at a framed object on the wall. "Holy Hollywood Snacks!" Pam gasped. "Those are the gloves Marina Milliman wore in that classic movie, _Rubies Are A Girl's Second-Best Friend!" _

"Cool!" Ray took a picture with his phone. "Hey! There's the gorilla costume from _Monkeying Around Downtown."_

"And the ray gun from the sci-fi classic," Krieger pointed. "_Mars Verses Neptune: The_ _Final Chapter!"_

Lana noticed something. "And that's the classic dress from _Terms Of A Divorce_."

"And that's the deer head from _Terns, A Deer And A Mint,"_ Pam pointed.

"This place is loaded with Hollywood brick-a-brack," Cyril realized.

"Duh! That's it's appeal!" Ray told him. "Oh my God! They have one of Barbara's dresses from _Hello Dolly_! And some of her wigs from other movies! Eeeeee!"

"We are going to take so many pictures!" Pam squealed as she took one.

"That too," Cheryl grinned.

"What?" Lana did a double take.

"Nothing," Cheryl whistled innocently.

"Hey there!" A blond well-dressed woman with large breasts walked up to them. "Good to see you at Hollywood Universe. I'm…"

"Cassandra Mandra!" Cyril gasped. "You were in all those Young and Horny movies last decade! You played Muffy Muff!"

"Young and Horny," Pam listed the movies. "Young and Horny Two: Still Horny. Young and Horny Threesome. Young and Horny Four: The Reunion. Young and Horny Five: Muffy's Wedding…"

"One of your best pictures by the way," Krieger added.

"Young and Horny Six," Pam added excitedly. "The Vegas Trip!"

"Which you directed," Cyril said. "My personal favorite of the series."

"Thank you!" Casandra grinned.

"Young and Horny Seven: Worst Bachelor Party ever…" Pam added.

"Yeah that's when those movies started going off the rails," Cassandra sighed. "I know."

"Technically those movies were considered soft-core porn for teenagers," Ray whispered to Lana.

"Big shock this group knows her," Lana whispered back.

"And Young And Horny Eight: The Next Generation of Horny," Pam added. "You were barely in that one!"

"There were script problems with that movie," Cassandra sighed.

"That movie looked like it barely had a script," Krieger said.

"That was the problem," Cassandra sighed. "Little life lesson, never let a sixteen-year-old son of a studio executive direct and write a movie. Especially if he was held back in school for two years."

"What are you doing here?" Pam asked.

"Well in addition to plugging and starring in my first Wife Time movie, Holidays in Hollywood…" Cassandra said. "It comes out next Christmas by the way. I'm also a backer in Hollywood Universe."

"Really?" Cyril was surprised.

"Yeah I invested some of my royalties into this restaurant," Cassandra nodded. "The rest I invested in Disney."

"Smart," Cheryl nodded.

"Let's just say I'm not that worried if this goes under," Cassandra admitted. "But I thought it would be fun if I also invested in Cheryl's company here."

"Wait you know Cheryl?" Lana did a double take.

"Only professionally," Cassandra said. "We did a few lunches. Mostly my lawyers and her lawyers."

"Oh yeah I'm also a backer," Cheryl said proudly. "My company just bought a large number of shares in this company."

"Of course, you are," Lana sighed.

"Can we take a picture?" Pam asked.

"That's why I'm here!" Cassandra said as she took out some pictures. "And to give out autographed photos of myself."

"I sprang for the deluxe Birthday package," Cheryl grinned.

"Cool!" Pam grinned as she took out her phone. Soon everyone had a picture with Cassandra. And Cassandra gave everyone pictures.

"You just give out pictures of yourself?" Lana was stunned.

"It's cheaper and easier than asking my agent to find me work," Cassandra admitted. "How do you think I got the Wife Time movie? And a beauty segment on the local news."

"She's got a point," Pam nodded.

"I have another autograph for my collection," Ray grinned after Cassandra left.

"You have a _collection_?" Lana asked. "What stars do you have?"

"Mostly a bunch of Broadway stars," Ray said. "Duncan Van Racer. TV's Michael Gray. And Burt Reynolds."

"How did you get **his** autograph?" Cyril asked.

"Pam got it for me for my birthday," Ray pointed.

"It was back when Ms. Archer was dating him," Pam said. "I got one for me, Cheryl and I was going to give it to Archer. But he was being such a dick I decided…"

"To kill two birds with one stone," Cyril put it together.

"Literally?" Krieger blinked.

"Figuratively," Ray explained. "Shame though. I thought I'd have more autographs for my collection by now."

"Me too," Pam nodded. She looked at her new picture of Cassandra. "But this is a good start!"

"Oh my God look!" Ray pointed. "That's actor and comedian Raul Schwinn! He was in all those game shows in the early 70's!"

"And in several made for TV movies," Pam realized. "_The Secret of Sepulveda Lane. Return to Sepulveda Lane. Farewell Sepulveda Lane. Laughter in the Night…" _

"I loved the Sepulveda Lane trilogy!" Cheryl gasped. "That series had way more arson than I thought it would! And a lot of racial slurs. Not from his character but…"

"It's funny," Cyril thought out loud. "Back then swearing wasn't accepted at all but racial slurs were."

"Yeah," Krieger nodded. "Networks could barely say damn or hell without paying a fine. But when it comes to being culturally insensitive and derogatory…Anything went!"

"I know," Pam said. "What's up with that weird shit?"

Cheryl spoke up. "We have to get his autograph! Come on!"

"Coming guys?" Krieger asked as the others went to get his autograph.

"Phrasing boom!" Cheryl giggled.

"I'm good," Lana waved. "Let me know if you see Billy Dee Williams or anything like that."

"I wish," Cheryl sighed. "He's not here. Not for lack of trying I admit." They went off to speak to the star. Leaving Lana and Cyril behind.

"I have a weird feeling," Lana admitted.

"That Cheryl has an ulterior motive for having Pam's party here?" Cyril asked.

"So, it's not just me?" Lana asked.

"No, it is **not,**" Cyril admitted. "I've noticed a pattern over the years."

"So have I," Lana sighed. "Do you have a plan?"

"Yes," Cyril nodded. He called out. "Waitress! A round of drinks please!"

Lana sighed. "Yeah that's pretty much what I thought. Make mine a double."

Soon the others came back. "This place is great," Pam said as they sat down. "Not only did we get Raul Schwinn's autograph, we got pictures of all kinds of famous memorabilia."

"I got a picture of myself with an autographed picture of Liza!" Ray squealed with glee. "And one of the costumes Barbara wore when she did Funny Girl!"

"I got myself a picture of one of the firefighter's uniforms from _Towering Inferno!"_ Cheryl grinned.

"Guess who was at the bar? Atlanta Falcons' former running back Todd Todkins!" Pam squealed as she showed the picture. "I love him! He was great when he played!"

"Wait I thought you would be a Packers fan?" Lana asked. "Since you're from Wisconsin."

"Let's just say I've changed teams a couple of times," Pam remarked.

"**That** I believe," Ray nodded. "Oh my god! Look over there!"

"It's the actress from that soap opera," Pam gasped. "The Sun Sets Tomorrow! Marissa McNallan!"

"Didn't that soap opera just get cancelled?" Lana asked.

"Yeah but she's got a few Wife Time movies lined up," Pam said as she took a picture. "And she hawks some beauty products on the Home Shopping Network. She'll be fine."

"She definitely looks fine," Krieger remarked.

"Krieger that woman is almost sixty," Lana remarked.

"Seriously?" Everyone else at the table gasped.

"Damn," Cyril whistled. "She looks good. Real good."

"She doesn't look **that** good," Lana grumbled.

"I know right?" Cheryl frowned. "I can see her crow's feet from here."

"They look good on her," Pam remarked. "Oh and there's that other actress from The Sun Sets Tomorrow, Sabrina LaDay!"

"Don't those two have some kind of feud," Ray blinked. "Why are they here?"

"They're also backers in this restaurant," Cheryl remarked. "They may hate each other but they love money more."

"Love of money trumps hate," Pam nodded.

"Isn't she also sixty?" Lana gasped. "She doesn't look it!"

"Damn…" Pam whistled. "You're lucky you got their money in this project Cheryl!"

"Forget their money," Cheryl blinked. "I want their moisturizer."

"Me too," Lana and Ray said at the same time.

"I'll go ask what they use!" Krieger said cheerfully as he got up.

"Yeah you do that," Cyril sighed as Krieger left. "This won't end well."

A familiar looking waiter came up with a tray loaded with appetizers. "Your Hollywood Appetizer Bonanza! Hooray…" He said unenthusiastically as he unloaded the tray onto the table.

"Wow," Pam whistled as she took a picture. "Guys look our waiter looks just like the actor Blaine Barber!"

"Yeah **looks** like…" The waiter grumbled as he left. "God, I need a new agent."

"These appetizers are good," Lana said as she nibbled them.

"Damn good," Pam ate with gusto. "Holy Star Snacks! That's Five Time Trivia Champion of Trivial Pursuit Live, Dan Kenningsworth!"

"And over there is the former screen queen Holly Dens," Cyril pointed. "Wow. For an eighty-year-old woman she looks good."

"This place has more B and C listers than Dancing with the Stars," Lana realized.

"Especially since Dancing is starting to sink into the D category," Ray remarked. "I mean I don't want to say anything y'all but enough with the ringers already! Especially those from your other shows that you're plugging!"

"I am so glad we came here," Pam grinned.

"Me too," Cheryl grinned as she got up. "I have to go check out the kitchen and stuff. Be right back." She left the table.

"Should one of us follow her?" Lana asked.

"It's my birthday," Pam said as she ate. "I'm taking the night off."

"Me too," Ray said as he had some appetizers. "Can you believe all the famous people here?"

"YOU SKANK! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!"

SMACK!

"THAT'S IT BITCH! YOU ARE GOING DOWN!"

SMASH!

"Can you believe **that**?" Cyril pointed to the two famous actresses fighting each other.

"All right!" Pam took out her phone and recorded the scene. "Famous actress catfight! Boo-yah!"

CRASH! SMASH!

"Well there goes half the bar," Ray remarked.

"Oh dear…" Krieger ran up to them. "Guys…I may have been responsible for this."

"WHAT?" Lana shouted.

CRASH! SMASH!

"What did you **do?**" Ray shouted.

"Nothing! I swear!" Krieger protested. "All I did was ask those women for their moisturizer because I thought their skin was glowing brighter than a radioactive glow! The next thing I know they're both throwing themselves at me!"

"Seriously?" Cyril was shocked. "That line **worked?**"

CRASH! SMASH!

"Apparently," Krieger remarked as the two starlets were fighting with moves that would make kung fu masters jealous.

"You started a brawl between two Hollywood starlets?" Cyril was stunned.

"I know," Krieger said. "I'm just as shocked as you are."

"I highly doubt that," Cyril blinked.

CRASH! SMASH! POW!

"Wow," Pam whistled as she recorded the whole fight. "That Sabrina has a good right hook!"

"Two women are fighting over Krieger," Lana was stunned. "Archer would be shocked."

"Two **famous** women fighting over Krieger," Ray said. "That's a surprise!"

BRRRRRINNNNGGGGG!

"FIRE! FIRE!" Someone screamed as the fire alarm went off. "THERE'S A FIRE IN THE KITCHEN! AAAAHHHH!"

"That's **not** a surprise," Cyril groaned.

"**There** it is," Lana groaned. "**That's why **Chery brought us here!"

"We really should have seen that coming," Krieger admitted.

"We really should," Ray nodded.

BRRRIINNNNG!

"What we **really** should be doing is _**running,**_" Lana cautioned as she saw the flames flicker out of the kitchen.

"Good idea! Hang on!" Pam got up and ran off.

"Where is she…?" Lana began.

YANK!

"Okay I'm ready!" Pam ran up with a picture in her hands. "What? This autographed picture of George Clooney will look great on my wall!"

"Oh, for the love of…" Lana groaned. "Come on!"

"What about Cheryl?" Pam asked as they started to leave the building with the crowd.

"What **about **her?" Lana snapped. "She'll be fine! This is not her first arson!"

"It's not ours either," Cyril moaned. "Let's just get out of here! Come on Ray! Ray? Ray!"

"I'm saving you Liza!" Ray ran by using his super speed carrying the picture of Liza Minelli.

"If only someone could save **me!**" Cyril moaned as he ran out of the building.

The following day…

"Oh look," Cyril sighed as he looked at the newspaper in his office. "We made the front page. Hollywood Universe Goes Up In Smoke…"

"This never ends well," Lana sighed. She was also in the office with Ray, Pam and Krieger.

"It ended well for me," Ray said. "Not only do I have a picture of Liza now I got some of those Hello Dolly gloves!"

"I grabbed a wig from one of those Star Wars movies," Pam grinned.

"Me too!" Krieger admitted. "Face mask actually of Admiral Akbar but it counts…"

"Let's see what it says…" Cyril sighed as he read. "Let's see…Fire. Irreparable damage. Building beyond repair. Casualties…"

"People **died **in that fire?" Lana gasped.

"Holly Dens had a heart attack," Cyril told her. "She was 89. And both Sabrina LaDay and Marissa McNallan got arrested for disturbing the peace, and assaulting an officer. Apparently, the fight started over a mysterious man."

"That's me!" Krieger held up his hand.

"It is an apt description of him," Ray admitted.

"Apparently Blaine Barber was there too," Cyril said. "And was arrested when it was discovered he was trying to run off with the cash register."

"I thought that waiter looked familiar," Pam realized.

"Looks like Hollywood Universe is officially out of business," Cyril remarked.

"So?" Pam asked. "I have proof that I went there and my bitch sister can never go there. Got a lot of autographs. It was a kick ass party. That's good enough for me."

"Pam there was a fire and someone **died,**" Lana told her. Then she realized the truth. "Oh dear God that is how most of our parties end up."

"Well it wasn't one of us," Pam shrugged. "So that makes it successful."

"To be fair," Cyril admitted. "That restaurant was only a heartbeat away from closing into oblivion. It was never managed properly to begin with."

"Are you really that **surprised**?" Ray pointed to Cheryl who walked in.

"Hey Cyril," Cheryl spoke up. "I need the agency to do something for me…"

"Hang on," Cyril held up his hand. "Let me guess. You want me to investigate the fire and find out it was faulty wiring so you could get a huge insurance payout? Am I right?"

"Gas leak actually," Cheryl handed him some papers. "But everything else is spot on. You're really getting good at this."

"Well I've had a lot of practice," Cyril sighed as he looked at the papers. "A little **too much** now that I think about it."


End file.
